


like a ghost

by Mongo00



Series: holding on (to life) [10]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Emotionally Repressed, Gen, POV First Person, POV Tyler Joseph
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 14:15:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13591809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mongo00/pseuds/Mongo00
Summary: Numb. Is numb a feeling?_____I feel like a ghost, and sometimes, I want to be a ghost.





	like a ghost

Numb. Is numb a feeling? 

I feel numb more than I feel any other emotion. 

I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I don’t even feel like I’m /living/. It feels like I’m watching my life play out in front of me, but I have no say in what happens. 

I try to feel alive. I try to enjoy life, and its moments, but I can’t. 

I can’t feel emotion. I used to have too much emotion, and now I have none. 

I’m not sure which one I prefer.

I want to just slip away from life for a few moments, but I can’t. I have responsibilities, and more importantly, expectations to uphold.

The only reason that I’m still alive is music, and select friends. I’ve figured out my true friends, and I’m reliant on them now. I would be long gone without them, and I hope they know that.

Music used to make me feel emotion in an instant; there’s no more feeling now. I try to feel emotion by listening to music, but it doesn’t come through.

I feel like a ghost. 

I don’t feel like I’m living life, and most certainly, I’m not living /my/ life. 

I want to believe that this is all a dream, that in real life, I’m happy and worry free. 

I run through my days routinely now. I don’t pay attention to events or situations. I just walk through them, like I have done many times before. 

I wake up, get dressed, and grab something random to eat. I sit through the school day acting like I’m paying attention, and trying to engage in conversations with friends. I go home, and do my homework without thinking, bullshitting the whole assignment. I mindlessness scroll through my phone, talking to friends. I procrastinate my responsibilities (something I’ve never done), and hate doing things that I used to love doing. I drag myself downstairs to eat dinner with my family, shower, and sleep. Repeat.

I don’t feel life; I feel like this is some kind of movie. 

I feel numb, and I can’t change it. 

Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s for the better. Maybe it’s so I won’t go crazy or take my life. 

There are times where I know I should be sad or excited, but I don’t feel it. Numb is the only feeling I know, and it’s getting old. 

People ask me if I’m okay. They really don’t care, but at least they ask. There are people who just stare at you with pity, and don’t make an effort to check in. 

But worst of all, there are people who /know/ that you are struggling, but act like you’re completely fine. 

I’m not asking you to baby me, or check in with me every 10 minutes. I’m asking you to show me that you care, to show me that my life is worth living, and show me that whatever tiny progress I’m making is noticeable. 

Despite the meds and help, I’ve never wanted to die more. I’ve been getting worse, even though I look like I’m doing better. I think about death a lot more, and the numbness isn’t helping. 

I feel like a ghost, and sometimes, I want to be a ghost.


End file.
